Friday, June 29, 2012

[Read] Dear Adele, What The Hell?

Adele and I were once penpals. Shamefully, we first met on an online dating site. We caught each other's eyes; her addiction to turtlenecks and her two-year-old wiener dachshund, Louis Armstrong, quickly grabbed my attention. We were in a bubble for a lustful 13 day period. The Skype dates were exciting and the letters were heartfelt. Then it all went to shit. She said she had met someone better, that it wasn't me, it was her. His name is Simon Konecki and he's some big shot over in the UK (founded a charity named Drop4Drop). I did the right thing and promptly bowed out, turned to the Lifetime channel, and got over her. Her most recent stunt, however, has me fuming once more. Simon's gone and knocked her up, prolonging and potentially ruining Adele's music career. Hit the jump below to read my last letter to Adele and find out why...


Dear Adele,

What the hell? I read today that you and Simon are pregnant. It's not bad enough that you break my heart? Our love was real, and might I add, non-detrimental. Non-detrimental to your music career, that is (at least when compared to this new guy). I'm no slouch; I remember you telling warning me of what would happen if you got too invested: "No music! My fans will be like, 'Babe! Please! Get divorced!'"* You pride your career off of emotionally charged mega-hits - heartbreak being your main motivator. And here you are, falling in love and getting preggers. That love may fade, but that baby will just grow up and live in your million dollar basement forever. He'll always be the bright light in dark times. 
It's your life however, and I'm just bitter. After all, you've always been so negative. You told me (and by me, I mean Rolling Stone), "Don't worry. My bubble always fuckin' bursts." So do us all a favor and expedite this process, Adele. We don't need to know how, but the water guy and the baby gotta go. It's annoying enough you've been recovering from the same damn surgery since last October. Rolling in the deep? Yeah, you're in real deep now lady. 

                                                                      Sincerely,
                                                                             A former cyber lover and music fan 
P.S.
Keep smoking, might help.
 
*Both quotes are credited to [Rolling Stone Magazine]. Therefore, if you're reading this footnote, you're now realizing that my relationship with Adele is an act of complete fiction. Shocker, I know.

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